Dear Parental Unit –

Uh, welcome to Facebook.  I guess.

I accepted your Facebook friend request on good faith but we’ve reached a point where I think we need to lay out a few ground rules because I am seriously thisclose to defriending you.

Ready?

  1. First of all, the poking has got to stop.  Seriously.  It’s just weird.   Please don’t make me explain why.  (Not since we talked about where babies come from have I been this uncomfortable.)
  2. Why are you commenting on every status update? And do you even know what LMFAO means?
  3. Please take down any and all family pictures where I am wearing headgear, have a mullet, and/or am in the buff. If you ever want me to get married and give you grandchildren, you will comply with this request immediately.
  4. And on that note, please stop playing matchmaker. Just because it says “doctor” or “lawyer” in someone’s profile does not mean you need to send me a friend suggestion.  It’s especially weird when you don’t even know the person you’re suggesting I friend in the first place.
  5. Um, hey guys? Everyone can read what you write on my wall.  Everyone. So please stop publicly reminding me to “get that rash checked.”  Again, if you ever want me to get married and give you grandchildren, you will stop doing this right now.
  6. And finally, if I delete a wall post (see above) do not repost it just in case I didn’t see it. Believe me:  I saw it.

Look.  I think it’s great that you’ve gotten all cyber-savvy and whatnot.  No, really, I do.  Especially the online banking thing – Please keep those cash infusions coming twice a month.

That way, I can beat you in Mafia Wars and Farmville.

Love,

Me.